Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nur-turance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. Before continuing, re-flect: why are you reading this - what do you need?
Background
Many philosophers and everyday people propose that we each have a self. There has been rich and raucous debate across centuries and cultures about what that is. After 16 years' study I propose there are two types of self which regulate your personality and behaviors every day.
If our early-childhood nurturing is wholistically-healthy enough, we seem to automatically develop a personality subself which acts like a naturally-talented orchestra leader, athletic coach, or chairperson. This subself has clear, realistic wide-angle, long-range vision. S/He consistently makes healthy, balanced minor and major decisions based on the dynamic input of our five or six senses and vocal other subselves.
In this best case, our evolving brain and body is directed and coordinated each moment by this highly-skilledtrue Self (capital "S"). When that happens, kids and adults report feeling a mix of grounded, calm, purposeful, focused, optimistic, strong, "up," content, alert, aware, alive, resilient, centered, resilient, secure, potent, and compassionate.Remember the last time you felt a blend of these?
Enter the Protective "False" (Pseudo) Self
But... if very young kids experience significant lack of wholistic nurturance, their personalities (brains) seem to develop a different kind of self (small "s"). Their trueSelf seems overwhelmed or blocked from developing and directing their actions by other well-meaning but limited, impulsive Vulnerable and Guardian personality subselveswho want to "run the show."
False-self formation and dominance is normal, widespread, and promotes survivalvs. growth. It's like a distrustful, disgruntled violinist, tuba player, and lead tenor pushing their talented conductor off the podium and fighting over who will lead the orchestra. False-self dominance promotes up to five psycho-logical 'wounds.'
We kids and adults range between "a little wounded" or "very wounded," depending on (a) our social environment and situation, (b) how many subselves are vying to control us, and (c) how often they disable our true Self.
These squabbling subselves become our false or pseudo self. People who are used to being con-trolled by a false self experience that as normal. The idea that there is another subself in them that - if allowed to - can consistently make wiser, healthier life decisions is unbelievable. Do you relate?
Note: A common first-reaction to "personality subselves" is anxiety about being crazy or having a "multiple personality." Since about 1980, psychiatrists and sociologists have guesstimated that about 5% of Americans seems to have extreme personality fragmenting.
That was called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), and is now dubbed "Dissociative Identity Disorder" (DID) by psychiatrists. The common clinical term for "personality splitting" (false-self formation and dominance) is dissociation.
Research repeatedly suggests that such massively fragmented people survived extreme abuse and psycho-spiritual neglect as young children. The great majority of us, probably including you, do not have anywhere close to this DID degree of personality fragmenting - but we do have some.
In this site, a Grown Wounded Child (GWC) is an adult who's personality is "significantly" ruled by a false self, according to someone. Before wound-reduction, we're usually unaware of false-self dominance and its impacts - though we're adept at spotting false-self symptoms in other people!
The bad news: Being significantly controlled by a false self has powerful person-al, marital, parental, and social implications. In my experience, the high majority of troubled, divorcing, and re/married Americans (and others?) are GWCs in major denial.
The good news: Once identified, false-self dominance and wounds can be sig-nificantly reduced over time (and true Selves empowered), via self-motivated personal recovery.
Here's a way to sense who's leading someone's personality (like yours) situationally or chronically. For more detail on behavioral symptoms on each of the six common false-self wounds, follow these links.
Unconsciously prefers wounded people and low-nurturance settings
Unclear on or indifferent to a life purpose
Work, play, and rest are often unbalanced
Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings. Which column of traits do you identify with? Do you see each of your parents here? Your grandparents? Your partner? A child? A former lover? A hero/ ine or mentor?
If you're skeptical about personality subselves, try reading this letter to you. and experiencing this safe, interesting exercise. Option: assess whether you and/or another adult or child are significantly ruled by a false self. For options on preventing false-self wounds in your family, community, church, state, or nation, see this series.
For more perspective, read this research summary on "bad habits."
Recap
This Project 1 article and nonprofit Web site propose that normal personalities (like yours) are com-posed of talented "subselves," and are controlled by a wise true Self (capital S) or a "false self." Observa-ble behaviors suggest which of these is true, situationally and over time.
From 16 years' clinical research and observation, the article (a) provides brief background on this premise, and (b) describes common behavioral traits of a typical true Self and false self.
People often controlled by a false self are usually survivors of major childhood neglect, who don't (want to) know about their resulting psychological wounds and what they usually mean.Assessing whe-ther another person is currently or regularly controlled by a false self can empower you to choose (a) whether to maintain a relationship with them, and (b) the best way to respond to them.
thisresearch summary about kids from "risky" (low-nurturance) families
this overview of wound-reduction - slides or text, and...
these options for relating to wounded adults and kids
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else? Would you answer the poll at the top of the article the same way now?
Perception is reality. Everything is relative to everything else.
I am one of those people who can take 2 seemingly unrelated concepts and use one to describe the other, or relate the two in some way in conversation.
This is my all purpose blog- there is no real rhyme or reason to it. Maybe I will actually get around to posting some of my own writing or art on here :)